Experiences of divine beauty 2

 This is my second in a series of posts, featuring some of my most profound experiences with the presence of God


In my experience, nothing is more healing than looking into the eyes of God, and being overwhelmed with his affections for you. There is no greater strength than knowing that no matter what you have done, that your creator loves you with an intense passion, and would die a thousand deaths just to be with you. To love of God is greater than the love of any friend, parent, or lover. It is in experiencing this love that I was freed completely from suicidal ideation in my junior year of high school 

I was at liberty university for there College For A Weekend program in the fall of my junior year. My father had recently passed away after suffering 2 years of abusive treatment in a nursing home following a stroke. I was tormented daily with thoughts of killing myself. Seeing the slow death of my father, along with other traumas which I will not share here, really messed with me. As a Christian I didn't know how to process it. Was God punishing me? Did he hear my prayers? Did he even care? I was full of hatred both for myself and others. Life felt like it had no meaning. I often would punish myself for being such a bad person not by physical harm, but by being incredibly hard on myself, running from God, and by separating myself from people that wanted to help me. Toward the end of this college for a weekend program I decided to go to a worship night, without much expectation. That night would change my life forever. It was raining outside so all the prospective students shoved themselves into a tiny chapel on the edge of campus. I was on the left side of the room, on my knees beside a pew. For a while it was a regular worship night, but gradually I felt the atmosphere shift. Was I feeling.....love? I hadn't felt love for such a long time. But this was no ordinary love. It kept growing in my heart and it didn't stop. Eventually the intensity of this presence was so strong I can only describe it  as a waterfall of love flowing down my whole body. Then I heard a voice say, "If you keep punishing yourself for your sins, what you're saying is that what my Son did wasn't good enough". This was the straw that broke the camels back. I wailed loudly in worship and tears for the following 2 hours. The presence never once dimmed, but instead kept growing. The weight of all of my shame was broken in hearing those words. I had no need to seperate myself or run from God. He was not mad at me, for being broken. He cared enough to be broken for my sake so that I could be made whole. Since this experience I have never once thought of taking my own life, and no longer lived with crippling depression and apathy. Since that day I have seen the world in color, and I never plan on going back to life without the beauty of God at the center. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lillian Young: Narcissus and Beauty

 The myth of Narcissus invites us to contemplate the deeper connection between external beauty and the inner self. In our society, where physical appearance often takes center stage, the story serves as a cautionary tale about the importance of balance and self-awareness. Beauty, when appreciated in moderation, can be a source of confidence and positive self-esteem. However, when taken to extremes, it can lead to a distorted sense of self-worth and a detachment from reality. The myth prompts us to reconsider the definition of beauty itself. Bueaty is multifacited, with countless variables. The story of Narcissus encourages us to delve beyond the surface and appreciate the profound beauty that originates from the depth of our character.
Read more

Art and Ritual- Reading Reflection

 I decided to use this material for my final paper as I find this particular reading incredibly interesting. Both Ancient Greece and ancient human behavior fascinate me and I believe that Jane Allen Harrison does a fantastic job at lacing together history with philosophy. What is interesting about viewing art with participation as ritual, is that it can be utilized in different ways. First and foremost, the author's main argument is that the Dionysiac rituals that involved choir and playwriting eventually turned into the plays, dramas, and television that we see today. Over time, the ancient ritual became modern art. We can also look at her argument from a modern standpoint, where activities like tourism and the greater phenomenon of globalization can lead people from one country or ethnicity to experience the rituals of another. To the tourist or the foreigner, it is a piece of art, while to the native is it a ritual.  I do disagree with the author on a few points. Jane Allen...
Read more

Sara Rice: guest lecture reflection- beauty in life

  After this guest lecture, I really reflected on this person’s point of view in life. I have always thought that it is so unique how people can go through really terrible things in life, but still have a positive outlook on life. Although this example is much less extreme, I thought about all the beautiful things I have also taken for granted during my life. It reminded me of the saying “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. I think in a lot of ways people continuously search for the next best thing without appreciating the current beauty. I know in my life I’ve done the same thing where I’ve been more interested in taking a picture of something beautiful rather than really taking it in and being present with the moment. However, other times in my life when I’ve been able to truly take in a moment for what it is, I have a better memory of it even without taking a picture of it. I took this lecture in a different way than what it was probably intended for, but I have b...
Read more